Lizzie, you know how they say they are two kinds of gifts? The ones keep and the ones you exchange? Gramma's present to you me? Well, at least it would make a nice white elephant gift. For a party of strangers. If you're trying to send signals. Of hate and revulsion. It's that, “Hey, you shared your halitosis with me, now I'll give you this in exchange,” kind of present. Frankly, Lizzie... haha That sounded like this kid I knew in elementary school named Frank Lee Lizinni... Anyway. When I saw it under the tree I thought someone had broken a ragged chunk off the statue of liberty and wrapped it up in meat paper from the market. It wasn't tagged or anything. I think I even said to Mom, “Hey, who gets the big one?”Of course when we were finally handing out presents, Gramma had to say, “And that one's for you and your sister, Jacob.” Honest to God, I looked around the room to see if there were any other Jacobs in the room who had sisters. Damn if I wasn't the only one.I don't think I've ever opened a present so slowly, Lizzie. I'm not sure if I was afraid it would stink, or that something would jump out at me, or what, but it was like I was brushing a lion's tongue. I was like, “Okay, if I have to,” and I kept everything at arm's length. When the paper was off, no one knew what to say. No one except Gramma, of course. She was all like, “Oh, Jacob, I knew you'd love it!”When I said that I decided I should wait to set it on fire.Later, Dad told me it's not flammable anyway. So, um. Lizzie?Expect the UPS guy to bring a really big present to your house tomorrow or the next day. 'Kay?Peace.Jacob.