“Alright, Presczievatislaw, let’s don’t go making this into some Kafkaesque sit-yee-ation.”
“Captain, do you even know what that means?”
“It means, do your friggin’ job, soldier.”
“Yes, sir.”
Sighing reluctantly, I grabbed my tool bag, my headlamp, and the extra pouch that contained what I needed to complete this mission. Not looking at my captain or my fellow soldiers, I crawled into the muddy tunnel and started to worm my way to the destination. Here, the tunnel was barely wide enough to allow my passage.
After about three hundred meters, the tunnel began to widen. Two hundred meters beyond that, the tunnel became a cone that opened up against the enemy’s foundation. A PVC drain pipe was exposed. Before we had arrived, the drain pipe had emptied into a four inch vinyl sleeve that had carried the water out to a drainage ditch. One man at a time shifts with a shovel had changed that, and every one of us had the sore arms and shoulders to vouch for our effort.
The drainage pipe was what we called a vulnerability point. I was what we called an explosives guy. That meant I had the job of exploiting vulnerability points in ways that resulted in big booms.
Crouching in the small space, I rifled through my toolkit. Finding my laser range-finder, I pointed it down the pipe, to verify that I got the distance to the end of the pipe – meaning that there no obstructions. The way was open.
I started to assemble the components of my micro bomb. Three components that combined to make my big boom. A timer. A seating for all four of those parts. It didn’t take me long. I had this down. But then was the hard part. The part I didn’t want to do. The part that Captain Washington had been giving me a hard time about.
I took my other pouch in hand and reached inside. I gently removed the little hamster. White with two orange marks on his back like look like quote-marks. “Okay, Ditto,” I said, gently petting his head with one finger. “It’s time to serve your country.”
I strapped the micro bomb to Ditto and set him into the tunnel. As he’d been trained to do, he walked in, and marked bravely off to meet his fate. He was a trooper, that furry little guy.
“Bye, Ditto,” I whispered before quickly grabbing my gear and heading back out the tunnel. “Win the war for us.”
James was just beginning to awaken. He felt mildly hungover. Man, that was some crazy night, last night. He stretched his arms, but was surprised to find that they didn’t go very far. And strangely, the bed smelled of hay or straw or something like it, too. He opened his eyes.
“Ahhhhh! Oh my freakin’ ggg – what the – what happened to me?!”
As James glanced down at himself, he realized that he was now a furry little hamster and he was enclosed in a little terrarium complete with a Habitrail and an exercise wheel.
Okay , okay. Calm down, James. It’s just a bad dream. You probably just ingested something weird last night. After all, the girl you went home with was one weird chick, right?He closed his eyes and then opened them again.
“Ahhhhh!”
James jumped up and ran around the terrarium, bumping into the exercise wheel in the process. “Ouch! Dammit!”
James sat back down with tiny thump. “Think, James, think! Okay. What did she say? She said something last night that was kind of freaky. What? Did she say she was a snitch? No. Not that. A bitch – maybe. Wait – she said she was a witch. A witch? But – come on! Who’d have thought...” James looked around frantically. “I mean, maybe I told her that her hamster was cute or something, but I never –”
“Chill, little dude,” said a sandy haired man who was standing a few feet away from the table where the hamster terrarium stood. The man was smiling and admiring himself in the mirror.
“Who are you?” James’ whiskers twitched nervously.
The man continued to stare at himself in the mirror. “My name is Willikers. Gee Willikers. Nice to meet you.”
James felt panic rising within himself. “Listen Willikers – I need help! Can you find the girl who lives here? She said she’s a witch. I need her to do a spell or something. I need your help. Please!”
Willikers shook his head. He was still smiling at himself. “Why not just relax, little dude?”
James cried, “You don’t seem to understand, Willikers! This is worse than Kafkaesque. I was a human and now I’m a hamster! I’ve undergone some kind of bizarre metamorphosis!”
Willikers winked at himself in the mirror and then turned to smile at James in his little hamster terrarium. “Ditto, little dude, ditto.”
“Alright, Presczievatislaw, let’s don’t go making this into some Kafkaesque sit-yee-ation.”
ReplyDelete“Captain, do you even know what that means?”
“It means, do your friggin’ job, soldier.”
“Yes, sir.”
Sighing reluctantly, I grabbed my tool bag, my headlamp, and the extra pouch that contained what I needed to complete this mission. Not looking at my captain or my fellow soldiers, I crawled into the muddy tunnel and started to worm my way to the destination. Here, the tunnel was barely wide enough to allow my passage.
After about three hundred meters, the tunnel began to widen. Two hundred meters beyond that, the tunnel became a cone that opened up against the enemy’s foundation. A PVC drain pipe was exposed. Before we had arrived, the drain pipe had emptied into a four inch vinyl sleeve that had carried the water out to a drainage ditch. One man at a time shifts with a shovel had changed that, and every one of us had the sore arms and shoulders to vouch for our effort.
The drainage pipe was what we called a vulnerability point. I was what we called an explosives guy. That meant I had the job of exploiting vulnerability points in ways that resulted in big booms.
Crouching in the small space, I rifled through my toolkit. Finding my laser range-finder, I pointed it down the pipe, to verify that I got the distance to the end of the pipe – meaning that there no obstructions. The way was open.
I started to assemble the components of my micro bomb. Three components that combined to make my big boom. A timer. A seating for all four of those parts. It didn’t take me long. I had this down. But then was the hard part. The part I didn’t want to do. The part that Captain Washington had been giving me a hard time about.
I took my other pouch in hand and reached inside. I gently removed the little hamster. White with two orange marks on his back like look like quote-marks. “Okay, Ditto,” I said, gently petting his head with one finger. “It’s time to serve your country.”
I strapped the micro bomb to Ditto and set him into the tunnel. As he’d been trained to do, he walked in, and marked bravely off to meet his fate. He was a trooper, that furry little guy.
“Bye, Ditto,” I whispered before quickly grabbing my gear and heading back out the tunnel. “Win the war for us.”
Ha! I thought I could count on you to tackle this one. That was good. But poor Ditto!
ReplyDeleteYeah, that was a fun little verbal improv game. LOL
ReplyDeleteAnd I will admit I felt bad for Ditto, but at least he's going out like a hero.
You did a fantastic job with the story - but I still feel bad about little Ditto. (Sigh)
ReplyDeleteJames was just beginning to awaken. He felt mildly hungover. Man, that was some crazy night, last night. He stretched his arms, but was surprised to find that they didn’t go very far. And strangely, the bed smelled of hay or straw or something like it, too. He opened his eyes.
ReplyDelete“Ahhhhh! Oh my freakin’ ggg – what the – what happened to me?!”
As James glanced down at himself, he realized that he was now a furry little hamster and he was enclosed in a little terrarium complete with a Habitrail and an exercise wheel.
Okay , okay. Calm down, James. It’s just a bad dream. You probably just ingested something weird last night. After all, the girl you went home with was one weird chick, right?He closed his eyes and then opened them again.
“Ahhhhh!”
James jumped up and ran around the terrarium, bumping into the exercise wheel in the process. “Ouch! Dammit!”
James sat back down with tiny thump. “Think, James, think! Okay. What did she say? She said something last night that was kind of freaky. What? Did she say she was a snitch? No. Not that. A bitch – maybe. Wait – she said she was a witch. A witch? But – come on! Who’d have thought...” James looked around frantically. “I mean, maybe I told her that her hamster was cute or something, but I never –”
“Chill, little dude,” said a sandy haired man who was standing a few feet away from the table where the hamster terrarium stood. The man was smiling and admiring himself in the mirror.
“Who are you?” James’ whiskers twitched nervously.
The man continued to stare at himself in the mirror. “My name is Willikers. Gee Willikers. Nice to meet you.”
James felt panic rising within himself. “Listen Willikers – I need help! Can you find the girl who lives here? She said she’s a witch. I need her to do a spell or something. I need your help. Please!”
Willikers shook his head. He was still smiling at himself. “Why not just relax, little dude?”
James cried, “You don’t seem to understand, Willikers! This is worse than Kafkaesque. I was a human and now I’m a hamster! I’ve undergone some kind of bizarre metamorphosis!”
Willikers winked at himself in the mirror and then turned to smile at James in his little hamster terrarium. “Ditto, little dude, ditto.”
Awesome, RJ! I love it! Fun little coffee break reading! I love the verbal characterization of Willikers!
ReplyDeleteWow, Nevets great post! I hope he didn't feel a thing.
ReplyDeleteRJ, loved loved loved it!!!!
Thanks! (hee hee)
ReplyDelete