I hate speed dating. Why did I let Kendra talk me into it again?
Oh look. Here is my date for the next fifteen minutes. He looks like he just got out of prison.
"My name is Doug," he says, sitting down.
"Amy," I reply with a frozen smile. He's date number six.
Meanwhile, Kendra is at the next table with the guy who I assumed was a mortician and unable to smile, and he's laughing his stupid head off. He'd yawned while talking to me and looked at his watch six times.
I hate speed dating. My fake smile is starting to hurt my cheeks.
"Here are some break the ice questions," I say, holding up the sheet I'd been given in case a date isn't going well. It's true that it's too early to call on this guy, but I have a hunch.
Doug leans forward, saying, "Look. Let's cut to the chase. You want me. I want you. You can try on all these other guys but none of them will make smoke come out your ears as you scream their name...if you know what I mean. Let's just exchange phone numbers, and we'll skip this talking crap."
I look at the break the ice questions and answer them in my head on Doug's behalf. No. As black as my soul. No. A naked lady on my bicep. Yes. An STD. OH YEAH. Smashing beer cans with my head. Seven.
"Alright, Doug," I say, writing down Kendra's cell phone number on a napkin. "Sometimes I like to play hard to get--just to keep it interesting."
"I can't wait. I like the hunt." He fakes a bite in the air, and for a moment--I almost feel guilty.
Then, another round of laughter breaks out from the mortician, and Kendra puts her arm around him, giggling.
"Let me give you my work number too," I add with my first real smile all night.
Oh Wendy, I have girl crush on you. I wish you could hear me, I am bursting with laughter about to wake my mini-me from his nap. This is so freaking hilarious. I am not even going to try to top that one.
I hate speed dating. Why did I let Kendra talk me into it again?
ReplyDeleteOh look. Here is my date for the next fifteen minutes. He looks like he just got out of prison.
"My name is Doug," he says, sitting down.
"Amy," I reply with a frozen smile. He's date number six.
Meanwhile, Kendra is at the next table with the guy who I assumed was a mortician and unable to smile, and he's laughing his stupid head off. He'd yawned while talking to me and looked at his watch six times.
I hate speed dating. My fake smile is starting to hurt my cheeks.
"Here are some break the ice questions," I say, holding up the sheet I'd been given in case a date isn't going well. It's true that it's too early to call on this guy, but I have a hunch.
Doug leans forward, saying, "Look. Let's cut to the chase. You want me. I want you. You can try on all these other guys but none of them will make smoke come out your ears as you scream their name...if you know what I mean. Let's just exchange phone numbers, and we'll skip this talking crap."
I look at the break the ice questions and answer them in my head on Doug's behalf. No. As black as my soul. No. A naked lady on my bicep. Yes. An STD. OH YEAH. Smashing beer cans with my head. Seven.
"Alright, Doug," I say, writing down Kendra's cell phone number on a napkin. "Sometimes I like to play hard to get--just to keep it interesting."
"I can't wait. I like the hunt." He fakes a bite in the air, and for a moment--I almost feel guilty.
Then, another round of laughter breaks out from the mortician, and Kendra puts her arm around him, giggling.
"Let me give you my work number too," I add with my first real smile all night.
OMG, Wendy! This is hilarious! LOVE it! ;) I scared my dog with my outburst of laughter!
ReplyDeleteOh Wendy, I have girl crush on you. I wish you could hear me, I am bursting with laughter about to wake my mini-me from his nap. This is so freaking hilarious. I am not even going to try to top that one.
ReplyDelete