There was only one thing to do to get out of this awful summer job idea my dad thought was so great.
Completely screw up the interview.
So... the first thing I did was look up all the ‘don’ts’ for job interviews on the Internet. There were a lot of great suggestions which I made sure to do at my interview, like:
1. Don’t chew gum. I did. Noisily. I also blew lots of bubbles. 2. Don’t shake hands with a flimsy hand. My shake was totally lame. Totally. 3. Use controversial topics. I asked Mrs. Hanneman, the HR director, what her religion was and told her I had a fascination with anarchy. 4. Don’t tell jokes. I memorized a couple of jokes from Jokes for the John. 5. Don’t use poor language and don’t use pause words like um, like or uh. Um, uh, like, whaddaya think I done did? 6. No cologne or perfume. The local drugstore had a huge selection of cheap, nasty-smelling ones. I bought a bottle of the yuckiest toilet water – and used a bit too much of it that morning. 7. Don’t inquire about salary, bonuses or vacation. You know what I did with this one, right? 8. Don’t answer cell phones. I had my friend Jerry call me at exactly 10AM, which I knew would happen right in the middle of the interview. Jerry really came through for me, just like the great friend he is! 9. Don’t follow the Dress for Success book, which said: a. Minimal jewelry. I wore lots of bling. Lots. LOTS. b. Conservative suit or business attire. I wore a brightly flowered sundress. With red, toeless, spiky high heeled shoes. c. Well-groomed hair/clean, neat nails. Well, you know what? I didn’t comb my hair, I sprayed blue color streaks in it and glued on extremely long, magenta fake nails. d. Minimal or no body piercings beyond conservative earrings (for women)/no tattoos – and if you do have them, hide them as best you can. I wore a little diamond nose chip (I didn’t actually have a pierced nose, but you can stick on ‘gems’ pretty easily, you know!) I also wore big hoop earrings and placed a press-on tattoo of a skull and bones on my wrist.
And finally...
10. Don’t lie, don’t over-answer questions and don’t offer negative info about yourself (or any previous employer) Ready for this one? I went on (at considerable length) to make up a tale about my old boss (at a non-existent company) and about how he used to mess around in his office with his secretary. And that he only kept me on at my job back then (since I was seriously incompetent) because I knew about the affair and threatened to tell his wife about it otherwise.
After all this, Mrs. Hanneman politely excused herself for a few minutes. I congratulated myself on completely and utterly blowing this interview. I just figured the poor woman had to compose herself for a few minutes before telling me thanks but no thanks.
You can imagine my surprise when Mrs. Hanneman came back into her tidy HR office with Harry Cullers, the president of the company.
I didn’t understand. Why did she bring him in?
Then, in a stern voice, Cullers said, “Mrs. Hanneman just told me all about your interview, Ms. Selby. And judging by appearances, at least, she was right.”
Right? About what?
Cullers continued but his tone had changed significantly. “Obviously you went to quite a lot of trouble and effort to produce the most – errrr – unique – yes, I suppose that is the best way of putting it - interview ever. Such imagination and initiative and creativity cannot go unrewarded. So, congratulations, Ms. Selby! Well done! You are hired!”
I guess I really did screw up the interview after all. Heavy sigh.
I pushed the door open to Sun Streak the “it” place in Hollywood to spray tan. Of course, the high-end clients didn’t come to the shop. There were “spray tan professionals” that were sent to their house to take care of them. This was the job that my father thought I was perfect for.
No way.
I walked in dressed in my yellow micro-bikini with my two-inch red heels… and nothing else.
The girl behind the counter looked up in surprise. She was dressed conservatively in a little black suit. I must have been the only person to ever walk in here practically naked. Funny since once you were inside, that’s exactly what you did – get naked.
“You here for a tan?” she asked.
I looked down at myself, then back at the girl. “No, I’m here for an interview.”
“Are you Wendy?”
“Sure am.”
She looked shocked, poor thing. “We don’t, uh… that is to say… The employees don’t wear bikinis to work.”
“You don’t? But what about in-home jobs. Don’t you wear bikini’s there?”
“No.”
“But I thought that the job was to, you know, service the clients.”
She looked completely offended. As well she should be. I’d just insinuated she was a whore. And if she could see the look on her face right now – priceless.
There was only one thing to do to get out of this awful summer job idea my dad thought was so great.
ReplyDeleteCompletely screw up the interview.
So... the first thing I did was look up all the ‘don’ts’ for job interviews on the Internet. There were a lot of great suggestions which I made sure to do at my interview, like:
1. Don’t chew gum. I did. Noisily. I also blew lots of bubbles.
2. Don’t shake hands with a flimsy hand. My shake was totally lame. Totally.
3. Use controversial topics. I asked Mrs. Hanneman, the HR director, what her religion was and told her I had a fascination with anarchy.
4. Don’t tell jokes. I memorized a couple of jokes from Jokes for the John.
5. Don’t use poor language and don’t use pause words like um, like or uh. Um, uh, like, whaddaya think I done did?
6. No cologne or perfume. The local drugstore had a huge selection of cheap, nasty-smelling ones. I bought a bottle of the yuckiest toilet water – and used a bit too much of it that morning.
7. Don’t inquire about salary, bonuses or vacation. You know what I did with this one, right?
8. Don’t answer cell phones. I had my friend Jerry call me at exactly 10AM, which I knew would happen right in the middle of the interview. Jerry really came through for me, just like the great friend he is!
9. Don’t follow the Dress for Success book, which said:
a. Minimal jewelry. I wore lots of bling. Lots. LOTS.
b. Conservative suit or business attire. I wore a brightly flowered sundress. With red, toeless, spiky high heeled shoes.
c. Well-groomed hair/clean, neat nails. Well, you know what? I didn’t comb my hair, I sprayed blue color streaks in it and glued on extremely long, magenta fake nails.
d. Minimal or no body piercings beyond conservative earrings (for women)/no tattoos – and if you do have them, hide them as best you can. I wore a little diamond nose chip (I didn’t actually have a pierced nose, but you can stick on ‘gems’ pretty easily, you know!) I also wore big hoop earrings and placed a press-on tattoo of a skull and bones on my wrist.
And finally...
10. Don’t lie, don’t over-answer questions and don’t offer negative info about yourself (or any previous employer) Ready for this one? I went on (at considerable length) to make up a tale about my old boss (at a non-existent company) and about how he used to mess around in his office with his secretary. And that he only kept me on at my job back then (since I was seriously incompetent) because I knew about the affair and threatened to tell his wife about it otherwise.
After all this, Mrs. Hanneman politely excused herself for a few minutes. I congratulated myself on completely and utterly blowing this interview. I just figured the poor woman had to compose herself for a few minutes before telling me thanks but no thanks.
You can imagine my surprise when Mrs. Hanneman came back into her tidy HR office with Harry Cullers, the president of the company.
I didn’t understand. Why did she bring him in?
Then, in a stern voice, Cullers said, “Mrs. Hanneman just told me all about your interview, Ms. Selby. And judging by appearances, at least, she was right.”
Right? About what?
Cullers continued but his tone had changed significantly. “Obviously you went to quite a lot of trouble and effort to produce the most – errrr – unique – yes, I suppose that is the best way of putting it - interview ever. Such imagination and initiative and creativity cannot go unrewarded. So, congratulations, Ms. Selby! Well done! You are hired!”
I guess I really did screw up the interview after all. Heavy sigh.
Lightverse: I don't think anyone dares post after that. Awesome.
ReplyDeleteWow! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteBut I still hope you post something because I'd love to read it!
I pushed the door open to Sun Streak the “it” place in Hollywood to spray tan. Of course, the high-end clients didn’t come to the shop. There were “spray tan professionals” that were sent to their house to take care of them. This was the job that my father thought I was perfect for.
ReplyDeleteNo way.
I walked in dressed in my yellow micro-bikini with my two-inch red heels… and nothing else.
The girl behind the counter looked up in surprise. She was dressed conservatively in a little black suit. I must have been the only person to ever walk in here practically naked. Funny since once you were inside, that’s exactly what you did – get naked.
“You here for a tan?” she asked.
I looked down at myself, then back at the girl. “No, I’m here for an interview.”
“Are you Wendy?”
“Sure am.”
She looked shocked, poor thing. “We don’t, uh… that is to say… The employees don’t wear bikinis to work.”
“You don’t? But what about in-home jobs. Don’t you wear bikini’s there?”
“No.”
“But I thought that the job was to, you know, service the clients.”
She looked completely offended. As well she should be. I’d just insinuated she was a whore. And if she could see the look on her face right now – priceless.
“This is a very important job,” the girl said.
“Oh, yes, very important,” I parroted.
“I don’t think you’re what we’re looking for.”
I made sure to look crestfallen. “You sure?”
“Positive.”
OMG Lightverse! hahahaha. THat was AWESOME!
ReplyDeleteHeather - what a great story! Errr - positively a great - and funny story!
ReplyDeleteThese were both great! Fun!
ReplyDelete